Guests vs Helpers: how to handle new baby visitors

You’ve just gotten home from the hospital. Your baby is tiny and brand new and perfect. You are recovering from childbirth with stitches in places you didn’t realize they could ever – or should ever – go. You are engorged and leaking and just trying to get your baby latched. You are tired and ready for a nap.

But then you hear a knock on your door.

• It’s the visitors.
• It’s the in-laws, the best friends, the neighbors.
• It’s the people who want to sit on your couch, drink your coffee and hold and admire your baby.

You love that they are so happy for you and appreciate that they want to come over and keep you company but you really just need time with your baby, your partner, and the nursing pillow so you can try and get this baby on the breast.

The weeks right after you have your baby are a beautiful and challenging time and you are totally in your right to guard who comes into your space. And not just because you want to keep your baby healthy from outside germs (although that’s a really important consideration!). But you are exhausted and recovering from your own major event: childbirth.

You don’t need to be hosting right now and that is ok.

Handling Visitors & Guests During Postpartum

The Guests

The guests are there to be hosted by you. They are thrilled for you and can’t wait to meet the baby and you love and appreciate their enthusiasm. But you know they will ask for coffee, they will eat some of the dinner you heated up, they will leave behind dishes, they will stay too long and expect too much of you. You want them to meet the baby but you know if they come, you won’t feel comfortable nursing in front of them. Or crying. Or napping. When you close the door after their visit, you feel exhausted.

Since these people mean well, anyone can be a guest. Your mom can be a guest. Your closest friend can be a guest. These are just people who may not be particularly sensitive to your needs as a newly postpartum parent with a newborn.

The Helpers

The helpers are the people who show up with dinner. They bring you coffee and insist on you sitting down while they get you a glass of water. They offer to hold the baby so you can shower or nap but understand that you may just need to hold the baby too. You won’t make them uncomfortable or offend them with your needs. They are there to help you. They are in tune to what you need and if you start to look tired, they offer to clean up while you take a nap. When you close the door after their visit, you feel like you are better off because they were there. You are fed and encouraged. You are well rested and have been listened to. These are your helpers. 

Now that you have divided your list of visitors into these two categories, invite over the helpers as soon as you feel ready to have anyone over. They will help you and make life with a newborn easier.

Save the guests for when you are better rested. When you don’t need a peri bottle to go to the bathroom. When you aren’t wearing diapers yourself. When you are getting some sleep at night. When you have begun to wrap your head around how dramatically your life has changed and you are actually looking forward to someone else holding the baby for a minute while you make some tea.

Both your guests and your helpers are welcome to see you and meet your baby. Regardless of the list they are on, they should have love in their heart and keep any opinions and judgement to themselves (otherwise they should be off any list). But it’s about WHEN they come to your home. What they ask of you (or don’t!) matters for your wellbeing!

So when you are arriving home from the hospital, be careful of your energy and your space. Invite in those who are there to help and support in specific and practical ways. Ask the guests (very kindly!) to come in a few weeks when you have a had a chance to settle in to life with your baby.