What is Life Really Like With a Newborn?

As a postpartum doula, this is a topic that comes up so often when I meet with clients before their baby is born. What will life with a baby (or two or more kids…) really be like?

I believe that the key to having a more joyful postpartum is to know what is normal and common so you are prepared and know that it’s okay to rest, to let some things go and to say no to anything that doesn’t help you during this time.

The Challenging Realities of Taking Care of a Newborn

Yes, You Will Be Really Tired

You just gave birth. Whether that is vaginally or by c-section, both types of delivery are really hard on your body and you will feel it as you recover. You are also recovering from pregnancy which can deplete you of energy and your body of resources. You just grew a baby – your body is tired! And you delivered that baby whether by pushing it out or having major abdominal surgery. Your body is asking you to rest so you can heal. But…you also have a baby. And that baby is trying to grow and develop at a rapid pace and has a tiny little newborn tummy that can only take in so much at any feeding so that means they need to eat every 2-3 hours, day and night. Exhausting, right?

You May Not Feel Like Yourself

Remember what I just said about growing a baby then pushing it out or having major surgery (sometimes after pushing for a long time)? That is going to make your body feel a little out of sorts. You likely will need to use a peri bottle after the bathroom, you may be constipated or having hemorrhoids and if you had a c-section, that’s surgery recovery! You are wearing heavy pads for the bleeding. Your breasts will feel engorged and if you are breastfeeding, you may be experiencing pain or discomfort as you learn to breastfeed your baby (call an IBCLC or lactation counselor if there is pain!). Yep, your body will feel so strange.

On Top of All This: Hormones

Your body is a miracle baby making machine and it took a team of hormones to get you from “am I pregnant?”  to “I created an 8lb, 2oz human that has my grandma’s nose and my husband’s huge head”.  There were a lot of hormones making that baby and once it gets the memo that there isn’t a baby to grow anymore, those hormones crash and you really feel it. It makes you weepy and sweaty. It makes you angry that the Uber driver forgot the extra fries. It makes you miss your baby while you take a shower and miss your old life while you hold your baby. It makes you restless when you are so exhausted. And it makes all of what I just described totally normal and a very universal experience for new parents. But knowing you aren’t alone doesn’t make this roller coaster any easier. It’s just a wave you need to ride. Which leads me to the happier parts…

Good news: it’s all temporary and there are ways to make it easier!

I’m not saying any of this scare you and I hope it hasn’t! I’m saying it from personal experience. I was not prepared for the discomfort as I recovered from childbirth. I was not prepared to feel like an alien in my body. I wasn’t prepared for the huge and sudden emotions. And I know that just knowing it is normal and temporary and how to get help can be an absolute game changer. When I had my second baby, I could already see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also knew to give myself a break because soon enough, I could raise my standards for house cleaning and dish washing but it doesn’t have to be right away.

Making Life With a Newborn Easier

Set Your Expectations

Starting from day one of baby’s arrival, every day is going to get easier. Tell yourself this daily: tomorrow will be easier than today. Are there going to be bad days and bad moments ahead? Yes, sure. But on the whole, the days right after baby comes are the hardest because you are recovering and your baby needs a lot from you. You are allowed to have a messy house. You are allowed to wear your comfiest clothes. You are allowed to eat your favorite foods (ok you can always do that but you might need to hear it so I’m saying it). You can say no to guests who ask too much of you. The day will come when your life will start to feel more normal but it doesn’t have to be 3 days post c-section with a 3 day old baby you just met and are maybe trying to learn to feed with your breasts.

Your life is a little crazy right now and it’s ok to accept help. People want to help you so when your friends offers to bring dinner by, say yes! If you can afford it, outsource what you can! Cleaners, food delivery, birth professionals like postpartum doulas…they all can take a little bit off your plate and that’s ok. Again, this isn’t forever (both the need for, and the offers of, help) so take it when you can and accept how it makes your life easier when you really deserve a break.

Set Boundaries

My last piece of advice is one I give out a lot: set boundaries. Only invite in people who are helpful and positive. At the end of a visit, you should feel supported in a practical way and you should feel encouraged as a parent. Your visitors should do something meaningful to help you and should say only kind things to you. If someone wants you to go out and meet them, you don’t need to say yes if you feel overwhelmed or exhausted by the idea of it.  Eventually you will have to look outward and care for those in your family and community but not when you have a newborn. Eventually you will need to attend your friend’s birthday dinner but it’s not two weeks after a c-section. Set those boundaries with others and with yourself.

This is a time that is strange and challenging and can also be beautiful and amazing. If you set those realistic expectations, you can use this time to rest and recover and bond with your baby. Give yourself a break and ask for help and you will start to feel more like yourself and get the hang of being a parent sooner than you think.